A Response to Sandra Fluke

Transcript from Congressional Testimony of March 7, 2012

Thomas Lindaman: Thank you, Mr. Speaker. I would like to say a few words regarding the recent controversy surrounding Sandra Fluke and her previous testimony before a special committee of Congress.

First, what in the bluest of blue Hells was she talking about? Contraception at Georgetown costing $3000 for three years? I know Georgetown's tuition is a bit on the pricey side, but damn! Upon further research, it turns out Ms. Fluke can get a generic version of a birth control pill that would help with cysts for $9 a month...without insurance. Granted, that's sold in a store no one's ever heard of called Target, so maybe she and her coed friends (none of them named, by the way) had to go with the name-brand stuff.

And while we're here, does anyone else find it funny the bulk of Ms. Fluke's testimony rested on anonymous sources? How do we know these women even exist? For all we know, they could be made up to suit her circumstances. I heard that from this one guy who knows this other guy who is friends with that guy who did that thing? You know, the guy who always wore pants? Yeah, him. Anyway, he says your sources were bogus.

Furthermore, the only source she did name was the Guttmacher Institute, which is the research arm of...drumroll please...Planned Parenthood. Wow! A pro-choice woman citing a pro-choice source in testimony about contraception! Why that's...utterly predictable. I would cite the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies and their research showing a woman needing $3000 for three years of college is a bit excessive, but the irony would be lost on Ms. Fluke and her cohorts.

Ms. Fluke seems like an intelligent young woman, and she doesn't deserve to have her credibility besmirched by talk show hosts calling her unflattering names. If you just got to know her and her history, you'll find her credibility was besmirched when she agreed to testify before a Democrats-only panel designed to capitalize on the Left's "Republicans War Against Women" line of crap. When they're ready to denounce abortion since the law of averages says it kills more females than males, then they'll have room to talk about anyone else.

Ms. Fluke's testimony was a bigger joke than when Stephen Colbert testified before Congress and you guys took him seriously. At least we won't see another comedic performance in Congress again. Well, at least until Al Franken goes to work in the Senate.

All joking aside, Ms. Fluke did have some legitimate points about women's health. But those were obscured by the points I've raised here today. Do those points undermine the credibility of those points? Absolutely not. They are worthy of consideration, regardless of the credibility of the speaker. After all, the insane occasionally speak the truth. Granted, I'm still waiting for that to happen with Keith Olbermann, but hope springs eternal!

Thank you for allowing me time to testify before you this morning. I will defer all questions to my pamphlet titled "How Do You Keep Reporters and Congressmen In Suspense?"